Restless

The title pretty much describes my emotion. I feel really unsettled. Maybe it's because I'm almost done with classes. Maybe it's because the weather is warming up. Maybe it's because I'm starting to get homesick again. Regardless of the reason, I feel stuck between two worlds. For over two months now, it was easy enough to just go about the normal academic day without thinking much about it. Go to class, do your readings, relax a bit and go to bed. While this wasn't the most exicting progression in the world it was simple and calming. I'm a person who likes routine, and regardless of what that routine proves to be, I like to stick to it. Now I'm getting towards the end of that routine. I have two weeks of classes left, which in this country only mean that I have to keep up with the reading. There's no last-minute flurry of assignments or preparation for finals--those are weeks off. Instead, the emotions of the nearing of spring break and those of the end of the semester are mixed into one--something which I'm not familiar, nor comfortable with.

In two weeks I'll go to Barcelona, Madrid, and Rome. This time will be amazing, I'm sure. But then I'll be back here, alone, for the majority of the rest. There will be another trip to Ireland in there, and the normal mingling with one or two friends. But the flat will almost be cleared out, and I will be left to ponder. I would normally study in these circumstances, but that's saved for the beginning of May, yes May, which is still over two weeks before my first exam. I don't know how people do this on a year-in-year-out basis. Maybe it's just because it's what they're used to, but it really makes me uncomfortable. It's as if exams are an afterthought, which strikes me as bizarre and disconcerting.

What all of this leads me to want is home. A psychoanalysis could yield some really interesting conclusions, I'm sure. But the way I see it is that I'm looking 2 months of uncertainty and constant change in the face, and what I want most to combat that is home--a place which at least in my mind is unchanging. The irony of this is, of course, that my current house is up for sale, meaning that home is also changing. This says to me that "home" in the context is more a state of mind, or a collection of people, rather than a physical address. Yet, for right now this is home, Edinburgh is home. Yes, the routine may have grown a bit drab, but there are fun things to come. I spent the past weekend in Bridge of Allan with the Blackburns. Their hospitality amazes me. Without blinking they welcome me as another son. This may be just the way the operate, but it constantly humbles me. The weekend was fun and relaxing. Good food, good movies, good sleep and a good run up to the Wallace Monument. Yet I felt a longing for home as well. The comfort of that house and the closeness of people that care for you is something that can never be discounted.

But enough with that. This week will be just like any other week, but it's a week in Edinburgh. Despite how comfortable I feel in this city, I know that a time will soon come where the mundane of Scotland will be swapped for the mundane of Maine, and I will be wishing to return to the former. So I plan to try and love each day, despite the constant clutter and nastiness of my flat, or my wanting to go home. This is an adventure that will soon be over, never to be repeated. And while I may want that day to come sooner rather than later, I know that deep down I want it to last forever. The task, thus, is to balance the two, in a mutually beneficial equilibrium.