These lyrics are definitely more mellow dramatic than my mood right now, but they come from Switchfoot, a band that guided me through a lot of tough times. Even if you're not a big fan of Christian rock--I'm not anymore, but definitely was when I was in middle school--they have some really provocative lyrics that seem to connect to my life still.
The bottom line is that I've reached the end, and not a moment too soon. As my last post reflected, the last month has been a real emotional roller coaster. Coming from an amazing trip, to having the flat to myself, to getting bored of that and immensely lonely, to beginning the process of studying, to freaking out about exams and feeling very under prepared, to today, having finished one exam. Now, for better or worse, the pre-exam freakout has been traded to complete restlessness. First off, I've studied over 85 hours for these exams (3 of them) which is way more than I ever have for any exams in my life. From this comes the grand irony of it all--my grades barely count. Based on my participation and essay grades, I barely need to pass these in order to get the B average I need to have my credits transfer. Combine that with the said amount of prep time, I know I should be fine. Yet until I took my first exam this morning I was completely unsure of myself; in a cold sweat. I had no idea what to expect from a UK exam. It turns out that it wasn't that bad, that I knew what I needed to know, and now I'm a day closer to going home.
Ecstasy was the emotion I felt as I left Adam House this morning. The sun was bright, I was done with philosophy, and all of a sudden the bundle of pre-exam nerves had been substituted with the giddiness of a boy on the last day of school. The problem, of course, is that I have 2 exams to go. But lost in the moment, I walked away in the sunshine, and got all of the little trinkets from the tourist shops on the Royal Mile that I had wanted for so long. Then I ventured back, unsure of what would come next.
What has come next has been a whole range of things. I went from pure bliss, to nervous wreck in regard to the coming exam, to relief that they wouldn't be that bad, to frustration with other things, to boredom, to homesickness, all in the course of a few short hours. That swing basically sums up the last month. Some days I've been elated to be here. Other days my head is home in Maine and nothing can bring me back to the here and now. Others I'm completely absorbed in my work. The bottom line is that there's been too much time as of late. I'm a person who likes to stay busy, for no other reason that it keeps my mind occupied. I'm also a person of bizarre neuroses and obsessions, so needless to say, having all the free time hasn't helped. Either I was obsessed with studying or I was obsessed with working out. Either I was obsessed with all things Scotland, or I was obsessed with the thought of going home. In either case, it wasn't a pretty picture.
But now I've come to the end. 4 hours of exams is all that separates me from summer, but more importantly, it's all that separates me from home (minus the actual travel.) As friends that I've made here start to depart for home, I get the feeling that Dorothy is about to click those ruby slippers. I've been told that going home from being abroad, no matter how analogous the locations may be, is a complete trip, as if a 5 month long dream has ended abruptly. For all the talk of going home, and yearning to be in Maine again, I'm a bit nervous about what I'll find. What will have changed? What changes will people see in me that I'm not that aware about? Will people like the person I've become? What have I missed that I will have to catch up on, or what will I have missed that I will never be able to retrieve? Again, this is the time talking. If I had had my way, and had been busy all this time, I would just go home and deal with the transition once I got there. But instead, it's all contemplation before the reality actually hits.
Yes, this post may have been all over the place, but it definitely reflects my current psyche, let's hope it changes before exam time tomorrow.
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