Ironic?

So this is it...my last Friday in Edinburgh, the penultimate 24 hours. I feel beyond weird, and while that doesn't really surprise me, the mix of emotions I'm feeling kind of do. While I wouldn't have called you crazy if you had told me that I wouldn't want to leave Edinburgh, I would have thought it highly unlikely to happen now. For weeks now all I've been able to think about is home: what it will be like, who I will see, what I can do. Home seemed like the thing that I could almost touch, the end-all-be-all, the only place in the world that I wanted to be. Of course that is still the case, but the sheer joy of freedom that I was expecting to feel come the end of my last exam yesterday was quickly replaced with a deep sickness in my stomach. It's the feeling of sadness, of a tad bit of regret, of the feeling one would associate with actually leaving home. Edinburgh has been home for almost five months. I've made it my own in so many ways. I've shopped at the same grocery stores down the street. I've gone to the same gym, I've walked the same paths and hung out with the same friends. Unlike leaving a place after a lengthy vacation, this feels far more personal. And while I'm sure that my lethargy will be replaced with ecstasy once I do get home, for now I feel more sadness than excitement.

It all comes back to that theme of home: what does home mean, and whether or not one can have multiple homes. I feel that I do. As much as I'm attached to the US, to Maine, to South Portland, I feel just as connected to Edinburgh and to Scotland. This is home, and as such, it doesn't really surprise me that I'm feeling reluctant to leave. I feel that the stress of exams was the thing that was pushing me homewards. No matter how much or little they mattered, revising and actually sitting for such things is never fun. And unfortunately, that experience ate away at the last three weeks that I'll ever spend living in Edinburgh. Part of that is my fault, of course. I don't know how to study a little bit, and because of my overall boredom come three weeks ago, it made sense to just jump in head-first, get the material back in my head, and prepare myself as best I could. After finishing all three, I feel like I succeeded at that. Yet committing so much of myself to those exams meant that I couldn't do so for other things, the things that mean the most to me in this place. I was able to walk around and take photos. I was able to watch three seasons of The Wire and enjoy every minute. I was able to joke around and be a kid with my flat mates. But it wasn't what it could have been.

Now it's all done. Exams no longer own me, and as such I've returned to the land of nothing to do. But that isn't a bad thing any more. All of a sudden, I just want to do the things I did a month ago. I want to be able to have more fun times with the guys that I've learned to love. The grand irony of it all is that for so long all I've wanted to do is go home, and now that going home is less than 48 hours away, I want to stay instead. Again, it's theoretically not a surprise. I always have problems with leaving one situation and going to another, especially when I've invested myself heavily in both. Soon I'll be back in South Portland, able to drive, to see friends, to drink real coffee, to move to a new house. But I won't get to sit and watch hours of Sky Sports News. I won't get to drink Stella by the case--that's probably a good thing. I won't get to just be a kid.

Another precipitating factor in me not wanting to go is that I sense that leaving Edinburgh marks the beginning of adulthood. I've turned 21 here. I've finished my Junior year here. When I get home it will be off to do campaign work, to work in the public policy field. Then it will be off to start thesis research, to start my senior year, and ultimately graduate from Bates in a year. That's just a scary chain of events. If I was a kid at all when I got here, I'm sure not one anymore. Yes, I can still joke and act like a kid. But both the growing up that this lifestyle has necessitated, and the impending end of college have made me realize that I'm officially an adult. Thankfully I get some of the comforts of college life for another couple months. But the job search must start eventually. The realization that this is the last summer of just being a kid home from school and that every event at Bates may be the last of this or the last of that. I know that I'm always one who likes to jump from extreme to extreme. It may still be too much to say that I'm not a kid and am officially an adult, but signs definitely point in that direction.

So here's to junior year now done. Here's to getting to go to clubs and play ring of fire. Here's Edinburgh. It's been a crazy journey. While it was not what I expected, it's provided me with a unique opportunity to find myself. I've realized that I'm different in some ways than I had thought to begin with, and that some of my tendencies are actually what I should be doing. I don't like to drink heavily all that much. I'm very stingy with money. I don't laugh enough. I need to relax a bit more. But I'm very good at life so far. These are but a few of the lessons that I've learned here, and maybe it's because this experience has taught me so much about myself, and my world that I'm so reluctant to leave. Maybe it's because I'm scared about what everyone at home will make of me. Will they notice the changes that I see in myself? Are these changes actually real, or are they just figments of my imagination? Time will tell. As for now, I can only enjoy the last few hours, pack my things, and head back to what I know. In the end, it's not that ironic that I don't want to leave...but I'm glad that I don't. All good things must come to and end, and this was definitely good.