An Emotional Roller Coaster

To put it lightly, these last few weeks have been hectic. The grand irony, of course, is that they've been hectic without being busy. Actually, they've been anything but. Since returning from Rome I've been doing very little. Most of my flat mates only returned a few days ago, and it wasn't until last Monday that I actually started revising for exams. At the beginning, having the place to myself, having nothing to do, and just getting to take in the experience of living in Edinburgh was fun and exhilarating. The break neck pace of the trip had left me exhausted and the unstructured time was fun and calming. But as the days wore on, and I felt no nearer to home, nor content with being where I was, the despite started to set in. Why am I still here, I would wonder. Why can't I just make time go faster and finally go home? Being an extrovert also added to the depression. I went days without talking to anyone face-to-face, something that really drains my energy and resolve. Yet I found some good things to do. I went on a glorious walk along a river in Leith; I climbed to Arthur's Seat; I went for runs through Morningside. These definitely broke up the monotony, but I still wasn't content.

Then the flat mates came back, fresh from their holidays, but in need of getting to revising to fend off the impending exams. I decided to follow suit, both because it felt like time to get going, but also because I desperately needed something to do. But this didn't do much to help. Even a week in I still feel like I have way too much time left. The material I'm covering is challenging, but not too challenging. I know that I really only need seven or eight more days to study, but the other option is to go back to doing nothing, which isn't appealing either. So it was back to longing for home--something that won't subside till I get there, no matter how busy I am. I see pictures from Short Term and want to be back at Bates. I hear news from South Portland and just want to get back to what is most familiar. Yet it's not possible--at least not for another three weeks.

With all of this going on, I've been feeling rather empty. Services at St. Giles' Cathedral--a place that I have grown to love--only dull the pain a bit. I didn't want to limp to the finish line like this. I wanted to be really sad to leave Edinburgh, not be thankful to get out. What could I do? It was at this point that my Mom came up with a great idea. "It's free," she said, "to just take your camera and document your favorite places in Edinburgh...the places that you'll miss the most when you're gone." At first I didn't like the idea. I've seen everything, I thought, why do I need to go around again. With that I wrote it off and moved on with my life. Yet after a really exhilarating workout this morning, and seeing that the day was nice, I decided to go for it. I realized that by going around town and snapping pictures of places that I had passed by, or even large landmarks that I had grown used to, I could document my love for this city. It worked.

Over three hours this afternoon I walked all over the city. To the University Campus, Grass Market, and Cowgate. To the Castle, down the embankment to Princes' Street. To St. Andrew Square, Calton Hill and Regent's Street. To Holyrood Palace, the Royal Mile and the Crags. Maybe I should have left more for another day--although I'm sure I'll see a lot of these places again before I go--the day really sparked what needed to be sparked. I realized while I walked Edinburgh's ancient streets just how much I loved this place, and therefore how much I'm going to miss it. Edinburgh brings together thousands of years of history in a way that no other city does. The old and the new are melded together brilliantly--so well at times that you can't tell the difference between walls that have been standing since the 1200s and those that were only built at the turn of the last century. It has culture and a distinct vibe which is unique. It's funky, it's hip, but it's also authentic and real. Sure, there are those cheesy tourist shops, but there are little pubs in claustrophobic closes, and on main streets that ooze culture and life. These are all of the things that I remembered on my walk. It may not make the homesickness go away, but I truly felt attached to this place again. I can truly say that I not only visited Edinburgh, I lived there. I experienced it in a way that only residents can, and for that I will always be thankful. Now it's actually time to study, get through exams, and return home. But home, as I've always said, is where you are, and right now that's Scotland's capital.